Mean Girls–Can we be friends?

I’ve been wanting to write something about an experience I had with a couple of real life ‘mean girls’. This occurred back in 2010 (when I first moved to Texas) but it still stings a bit whenever I think about it.

I was already in my late thirties when I met Nicole (I’ll use fictional names). She was a beautiful, gorgeous girl with blonde hair and amazing blue eyes. We hit it off instantly and soon I was hanging out at her house almost daily. I hadn’t had many girlfriends in my lifetime and was ecstatic to call her my new bff in Texas. I fell in love with her and her family. I did. I don’t care if it sounds weird. (lol)

Anyways, I tried to do everything right. She had confided to me that her husband had cheated on her multiple times so I stuck by her side and was polite with him. He was very likable but I wanted to prove my loyalty to her, my bff. I wanted to prove I could be trusted since she had also had problems with girlfriends. Life was great for a whole year — until a third and then a fourth girl joined.

I guess I can’t fully put the blame on these new girls. I had realized that my beloved Nicole wasn’t the person I fell in love with. Still, there was something about her that was just magnetizing. Maybe it was her beauty? Everyone wants to have that pretty friend who appears to have it all. Except that Nicole made you feel exclusive. She made me feel like I was part of her family and as if only I would ever know her deepest secrets. She let me in her world and I felt sorry for her. She had gone through so much that I wished I could wrap her up in a comfy blanket and keep her safe in my arms. It felt great at first until I began to notice she’d tell everyone all her ‘secrets’. I realized this was her way of manipulating you so she could have your loyalty. Soon, she had everyone against everyone and she was the innocent one, without any fault.

With me, it began when she’d tell me how much she hated her neighbor. She would go on and on telling me how her neighbor was a drunk, abused pills, was emotionally cheating on her husband, etc. She’d end it with “I can’t stand her. I hate her.” I listened and tried to be there for her, emotionally. At the same time, I thought she was being fake and didn’t know what her motive was. You see, every time her neighbor went by her house, Nicole was nothing but pure sweetness towards her. I remember her and I even went to the neighbor’s baby shower and Nicole’s gift was just towering over the rest. How could you treat someone whom you hate with so much appreciation and kindness? I didn’t get it. I soon had a talk with Nicole and told her how uncomfortable I felt because I had nothing against her neighbor — and while the other two girls that later joined us were clearly mean to her neighbor, I didn’t feel I had any reason to be.

This is when our friendship began to shatter. I guess I wasn’t as loyal as I thought I could be. One of the mean girls (I’ll name her Tiff.) even went as far as punching the neighbor on her face to defend Nicole’s honor (I’m exaggerating. It was over some gossip that Nicole began herself!) The police even visited Tiff’s house and everything. I thought this was madness. How could a woman, with a family to take care of, give so much power to another woman? This would never be me. I did have my limits and I wasn’t willing to get into some pathetic high school drama at this late in my years. Ridiculous.

Not only did Nicole talk about her neighbor to me; she also would tell me things about the other two girls that joined in. I couldn’t stand it. There I’d be, sitting next to Nicole with an angelic smile, knowing what I new. The other two girls were trying to be just as loyal to Nicole and I’d know all the garbage that was being said about them behind their backs. NEVER did I think I’d be in this situation. Tiff was definitely trying too hard. The other wasn’t that bad and I trusted her the most. I’ll name her Connie.

At forty I had my Benjamin and now with a baby to take care of, I decided this would be how I’d weasel my way out of that group. I guess Nicole suspected what I was up to because she began changing towards me.  I suspected I was next one to be talked about and her neighbor confirmed that. I confronted Nicole and asked if there was anything we needed to talk about. She denied everything. I knew she was lying but I went along with things. I too didn’t know how to tell her straight out how I really felt. I didn’t know how to come out and tell her that I thought she was two-faced, a hypocrite, untrustworthy. How I felt uncomfortable every time she talked bad about Tiff and Connie behind their backs. I kept my mouth shut and thought it’d be easier if I weaseled my way out.

One Friday night I agreed to meet them at Nicole’s house. I sensed the thickness in the air that enveloped us in her garage that night. Boy was it thick. I should have left, ran right out of there, but I didn’t. I thought I could handle it. Tiff’s face was full of truths Nicole could no longer hide — and I knew. Connie was stuck in between and I noticed how she’d flop sides. At times she tried to make the best of the night and other times she’d try to instigate. Both Tiff and Connie swore to be my friends also except that they never came to me to talk about our little group’s situation. They both clearly showed their loyalty to Nicole. I was fine with that. After all, Nicole met them first. If I could only make it through that night, each time I’d see them less and less. But it wouldn’t happen that way. The thickness made it not breathable in that garage that Friday night. They would all ignore me at times and talk about how much fun they were having visiting each other’s houses. It hurt because in all the three years I had known Nicole, never had she just stopped by my house to see how I was doing. Even when I was pregnant and I went through a horrible month when I felt suicidal; Nicole was the one person I confided this to and I begged her to come visit me. She never came.

That was it. I excused myself and went home. I decided I was finished with the charades. The following Monday, Connie called me to make plans for Nicole’s birthday. I really believe Connie was attempting to include me and make me feel better. Nevertheless, I told Connie I was done with that friendship. We talked for a bit and she insisted I patch things up with Nicole. Ofcourse, I didn’t tell Connie everything. Still, I said I couldn’t talk about it with Nicole now because now, she was pregnant and I didn’t want to upset her. Connie said I was using that as an excuse because she just knew Nicole was a big girl and could handle it. Dummy me, I should’ve known I was right and taken my own advice. Instead, I chose to confront Nicole, though still not fully. I didn’t want to upset her too much. STILL, I came out as the insensitive one. How could I upset her now that she was pregnant? (I knew it!)

OMG. I could go on with our drama but maybe I’ll save some details for a later story. Till this day I’m not even sure what happened and how it happened. Just that in the end, I was the one who was shady and Tiff was Nicole’s new bff. I was hurt.What was I supposed to do? Tell on Nicole? Tell the other girls of all the bad things she had said about them? No. That would have been immature. A good friend of mine who was living in AZ advised me not to say a word and just get over it. She promised me that if I told, these girls wouldn’t listen and I’d be the one still looking bad. She was right.

Two years after Nicole and I were no longer friends, I decided to tell the other two girls. They swore we were still friends but I should have known better. They never came to see how I was doing either. I still remained in Texas one whole year after our fiasco and neither of them came. No one was calling me either. No texts asking how I was. Nothing on Facebook — no comment a regular friend would make. Still, I felt bad unfriending them. I told them partially what Nicole had said about them and much to my amazement, they continued being friends with her. My AZ friend was right. So, I finally got the guts to unfriend these two.

Another three years went by and I kept in touch with Nicole’s neighbor. We’d catch up every now and then and I finally told her also what Nicole had said about her only because she asked. I had no idea even she, also, was keeping a relationship with Nicole. I couldn’t believe it. What a strong hold this woman had on these three other women. The neighbor told me she confronted Nicole and Nicole denied it, ofcourse. I thought the neighbor would know better but I think she too wanted to belong to Nicole’s world.

One day the neighbor asked me, in tears, what she should do? I told her she should find forgiveness. She admitted that Nicole was making an effort to try to be back in her life and had written a really nice letter to her. I never got such a letter but I realized I never was meant to belong in their group. I was fine without them and needed OUT! So, I told the neighbor to forgive. In all honesty, I believe people can change, grow, be regretful. As for myself, I got out of Facebook, almost untraceable. Only those interested in my writing, mixing, etc, will find me. I’m also heading a path of becoming a healer. Therefore, ofcourse I forgive Nicole. I forgive Tiff, Connie, the neighbor and most important, I forgive myself.

When I think back on my ‘mean girls’ experience, I can’t deny a part of me misses Nicole. It’s too bad that in this life our paths went different ways. Nevertheless, it was an experience which helped me grow and I am grateful for that. =)

 

 

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