I’m not sure if I gave this one an appropriate title but I’ll leave it alone for now.
Where should I even begin with this one? I swear I’m going to write a book about this guy one of these days. So the other day my eldest overheard me say I wasn’t happy he had gone back to his gf. You see, back in February, they got into an argument where she ended up smashing his tv, called me up, told me he was a piece of crap, basically, and I had done a lousy job raising him—and I needed to go pick him up at her place.
Never in my life did I think I would receive such a call. I was angry, ofcourse, but I kept my cool and just told her I’d be on my way. I got in my car and headed over there. Within two minutes she texted never mind, she’d give him a ride (his car was in the shop). My immediate thought was the hell you will, and I hurried over. Once there I stayed outside and texted my son. I heard some squeals and saw my son coming out of an apartment with her crying behind him, begging him to stay. WTH? I’m confused. He forcefully said, “NO” and I couldn’t have been more proud. Her little boy peeked out the door and yelled something at my son. I was horrified at the situation.
I tried telling my son everything that was wrong with that picture. He made me believe he was done with her emotional outbursts. I pleaded with him to stay away but did he listen? Nooooo.
Immediately she blew up his phone with every promise imaginable. He said he was confused because no one had loved him that much. I warned him it was manipulation. (I mean, the girl wouldn’t even let him come spend time with us!) That night she called me and I answered (though I regret it)—I answered because I told myself she was young and troubled and I just couldn’t turn my back since my son must have had some fault. It always takes two to tango (I really shouldn’t have answered). First thing that came out of her mouth was that she was sorry, ofcourse, BUT that he had hurt her so much and she had given him multiple chances. I asked her then why did she want him back? Obviously he was no good for her then. In a nutshell (because I’m not going to go on a rant about her), I told her to get over her divorce first, take care of herself and her son and then think about being in a relationship. She didn’t listen. She didn’t call me again but instead kept bugging my son. She did come by with a card and a flower but I was cold with her and she got an attitude with me. I mean, come on! In her card she said how loving and caring my son was (I thought he was a piece of crap? “A horrible human being?); how mature he was and how lucky she was to have him in her life. WHAT?
I cannot stand this girl. This is when I wish my son’s father would come around and talk to him about this stuff. I feel because my son has been estranged from his father for many years, that he didn’t get that identity he needed from him. Instead, he got mine, in a way.
Having all boys, I’ve come to accept there are some things men just get from other men. I can talk and talk and give him the best advice and back it up with proof from psychological statistics and data but he won’t get it; until another male comes along—a male he respects—and tells him the same as I just told him; then he’ll get it. Sadly, all the men in his life are MIA when these issues come up. I wish my dad, my brother or my husband, one of them; I wish they’d sit down and talk to him—take him out for a baseball game, a football game, something; not just sit and scold and remind him what a kid he is, no, not that because we’ve all been there. He needs men in his life who make him feel he matters; that he deserves to be treated with respect.
I wasted so many years being depressed and not loving myself that this is what I’ve shown him. I tell him there’s a better kind of love out there; he just doesn’t know it because he can’t imagine it. I tell him how a healthy relationship should be but he can’t visualize it. This girl has got him like a crutch and it hurts me to sit back and witness it. It hurts to see her little boy in between all of this mess. I want a woman who will make a man out of my son but I see her enabling him, manipulating him into a co-dependent relationship. This can’t end well, but all I can do is wait it out. I told him my fear is that she’ll get more aggressive, more violent and next outburst will be worse. I fear that this girl can get my son into some real trouble. I tell him to just walk away if she ever gets like this again; to call me asap but do NOT stay and try to reason with her.
For anyone out there experiencing something similar, RUN THE OTHER WAY. People who are this angry, willing to destroy property and cause bodily harm, have been scarred for a long time and need help. It is a rage that has been planted in them since childhood. Most likely it is learned by watching their caregivers and it forms into a cycle. The daughter sees her mother’s anguish and anger caused by her father; she forcefully repeats the very same in her relationships as an adult. In her mind, there is no other way. I could have a whole new discussion on this subject but I’ll leave it for another time. As for my son’s low self-esteem, he saw me with one for many, many years. All my bruises were internal and left there by those who claimed to love me the most. It’s taken me years to get rid of my martyr ways. I’d like to end this by urging everyone to learn how to love yourselves. It’s URGENT—because we do pass this along to our kids!
Love Big or go Home! XOXO