Continuing on about why I had stopped blogging for so long…my parents.
I tend to go on and on and give too many details but I’ll try my best to get to the point. Ha-ha. Yea, right. So, (I’m really trying to find a good place to start here bc I have too much on them also. lol) we had moved from San Diego to North California, to Texas and back to San Diego. Why we moved back to San Diego? That’s another desperate housewife story that I have saved for another blog. Oh geesh. Ok, so, we bought an rv and we were staying on my parents driveway. (I feel I have to say all this because as my blogs continue, you can tie everything together later on.) I had told my husband we couldn’t move close to my family but for reasons I just will not know, we ended up right on their driveway where we lived for three years. Well, one year was in the house with them and two years in our fifthwheel on their driveway. I hated it.
In the beginning I tried to make the best of it because I very much wanted to be back in California. As the years went by though, the past hurt I carried for many years, inflicted by my parents, just dragged me down. There is so much to say but for now I’ll just speak of what was going on after May/June 2017 that kept me from blogging.
When my parents began meddling, judging and criticizing me about the decisions I was making as a mother, I just allowed all the resentment I had been carrying for over twenty years to consume me and I began getting depressed. I gained about thirty pounds and lost motivation for writing. I knew I had to get out of there or I was going to die. Seriously. That is how I felt. The days went by so desperately slow. I felt every morning I was just looking forward to the end of the day, the end of the week, the end of the month, the end of the year. There had to be good things coming. I just knew I couldn’t stay there. At the same time, it had been an ideal situation while my youngest, Benjamin, went through his screaming phase. Where else could we have gone? He was wild and defiant and screaming like a crazy kid. Another convenience was that my parents would help me some with the kids. Just having them around served as a distraction for my middle son while most of my energy and attention was going on Benjamin. My parents also helped me deal with a serious situation my oldest got himself into (save for another blog).
Every time I wanted to leave, I had reasons to stay and reasons for feeling gratitude also. It was a double edged sword. I was grateful for so many things but also resentful. I decided to use this time to confront my parents and get all this hurt out. OH BOY. OH BOY. It was a war zone at times. When I wasn’t confronting my mother about something, I was confronting my father. After we yelled and cried and hugged, then I’d be fighting with my husband. It was as if everyone wanted a turn. It was a difficult time bc I still had to stay focused on my kids and make sure they weren’t around during the explosions. I won’t go into details for now.
When my mother had her accident, things really began to change. As awful as it was, it was also the best thing that ever happened for our relationship. She couldn’t walk for three months and needed help for almost everything, at first. It was during this time that she just became a different person.
Every morning Benjamin and I went inside the house and had our breakfast. Benjamin spent time with her and then he’d go on his own to play. I loved mornings. My mother and I really bonded. She couldn’t walk away and needed my help. It was perfect. As bad as it might sound, I loved these months. Did I say I loved these three months?
I asked my mother a gazillion questions and got to know much about my father’s side of the family and some of her own side. She was hesitant on giving me too much info on her side of the family and I still wonder why the secrecy. I have come to my own conclusions. To wrap this up, I just would like to say how important I believe it is to know your parents. I mean really know them. By knowing them a little better, I got to fill in the blanks of my own story. Well, not all the blanks but the most important — like the ones which were holding me back.
I do love my parents, very much. I wish we could all live together but I realize that we cannot. Not right now at least and maybe not ever — though I am hopeful that we can live close. We wound up back in Texas for now (for another blog) and I gotta say I am enjoying the peacefulness from living in the country. I think all the fighting is done with and now I can concentrate on the other side of myself. I have lots of catching up to do!
That’s it for today. Tomorrow I’ll share yet another reason why I stopped blogging. YES. There’s more! ;D